I was talking to someone, not but a few minutes ago. He's someone I talk to, sometimes he talks to me. He's barely even a friend. I can't even go to him for comradery. I can't go to him for what I'm used to. I can't go to him to find affection, love, support, or kindness. I don't even know why I talk to him, really.
He doesn't like me.
Why would he? That's not my complaint.
Talking to him makes me realize how shallow my relationships are. I can't really go to anyone for any of the things I doesn't even fain to give. No one can come to me for those things either, because they don't actually want me around. When others come to me, it's because I'm available. It isn't me. If I said nothing to them the whole time they reached out for security, comfort, or friendship, they would be just as fulfilled. I don't know how to fix this.
I'm tired of havng to put up with every jerk that wants to make a statement. I've had to put up with them everywhere.
If I want to hang out with my best friend, I have to wait until she has time away from her boyfriend. We're not nice to each other. I'm in the wrong there too, but he's a jerk to me. At home, I have to deal with my step-dad always making loud noises and always sitting on the couch. He does this stupid passive-aggressive thing where he "picks on me" but he's really just making fun of me or showing his anger in a way that he can play off as a joke. I have to deal with the constant guilt trips, the constant smoking, and the drinking. I seriously hate living here. I have no peace and no happiness as a result, but I'm the awful person to live with because I need these things. Go figure. At work, I have to deal with a micro-manager. On VampireFreaks I have to deal with people that talk to me just because they think they can talk me into some online action on Skype. On Skype, I don't really have anyone to talk to because my friends are rarely on, the people that are on don't actually want to talk to me or they're jerks that tricked me into giving them access to my Skype. Seriously, I was talking to one guy about art and literature, and he asked if we could take the conversation to Skype, because it was faster. As soon as I accepted him on there, he was asking me to get on cam because he wanted to see my breasts. That was never going to happen, is never going to happen, but he still badgers me to do it. That's not even the first time something like that has happened. I don't know if I should just stop trusting people to have a conversation or what, but I'm not showing my breasts on cam. I have problems with people on Facebook. Two won't take the hint and leave me alone, and the other "likes" EVERYTHING that I have up, post, or whatever. He even likes the automated posts from stupid apps on the site. Friggin' despise that guy. I get on there and I see that I have a bunch of notifications, but it turns out that it's just junk from these people. I'm on a dating/social networking site that we'll just call L. I have on my profile that I'm not actually looking for anything on there. It was suggested to me by a friend, and I just get on because it's generally a nice environment. Still, I get quite a few messages from people that want to be "play partners". Girls and guys alike, even though my profile says I'm straight as well as not interested in anything with anyone. I know better than to go out with anyone from there. It's not going to happen and I'm definitely not into being "play partners" with some random person from some site online. It would be fine that they ask and just take no for an answer, but they say all the usual junk: "You're so beautiful, let's meet up", "I'm here for you if you change your mind", "come on, baby, give me a chance", or even "I'm really nice, let me show you. You're so pretty". I'm tired of people telling me that I'm beautiful, cute, or pretty. It's the first sign that they want something from me that I don't want to give them. "I saw your pictures and you look so beautiful, I just had to talk to you" always leads into some proposition for some kind of sexual act. I'm not into casual sex, just leave me alone. I know I'm not pretty. I sure as hell know that I'm not beautiful. I be they say that crap to every girl they come across in hopes they'll get lucky. Doesn't work with me because I already know the truth. Thanks, but no thanks. This site isn't free of jerks either. I can think of two individuals that comment on my stuff that could just keep quiet. They act like they know what's best for me when they can't even find their own happiness. That's what bothers me the most. They have the worst advice and that's all they ever give in the comments. They don't talk to me. They don't know me. They don't WANT to know me. They just want to tell someone how to run their life. I cringe every time I see I have a comment on this site because odds are it's just someone that wants to either tell me I'm wrong about something, or they want to tell me I'm right when I'm completely, near suicidal-ly depressed. UGH! I need to weed people out of my "Friend's Lists", Subscribers, and start blocking people. I'm sick of the negativity in my life, and I'm sick of people just playing with me.
You know what else I'm sick of? The only people that are nice to me and/or seem to want a relationship are poly-amorous. I don't actually find anything wrong with being poly except that it isn't for me. I don't have the right personality for it. You would think that I would, considering I'm naturally distant and I'm also fairly accepting of others. I've found that I fit a particular role in poly-relationships. I make a decent confidant. I'm that person that people go to vent their problems, and that's it. An physical anything that happens in the midst of that is just more venting for the emotion being carried. It has nothing to do with me. It has nothing to do it being loved, cherished, respected, or even liked. It just has to do with me being available and that I'm willing to listen. Cuddling, kissing or whatever just happens to be okay because I'm desperate and I have a hard time separating myself from this role I fill. I'm not cut out for poly relationships because I want the freedom to dote on someone in my own way, and I want to be wanted in the relationship. I can't find that in poly. Other people can, and I think that's great for them. I'm not knocking the idea of being poly, it's just not for me. I basically get "Friends With Benefits Zoned" and I'm alone most of the time. It's not like I want someone around all the time, but more often would be nice.
I know I'm actually the jerk here. I'm the one that has a problem with all these people. I'm the one complaining. I'm the one making it public. I'm the one that hasn't dropped off the face of the Earth. That isn't really fair, is it? I'm being self-centered. I'm focusing on what I need or want. The truth of the matter is that no one else is going to care about any of that though. I haven't been spending enough time trying to figure out what would make someone else happy. I'm too focused on my problems. I'm too focused on me. I'm in a bad situation right now with my life and I don't know how to push away from this sense of self-focus. Everyone I know is better off than I am, which is fantastic. I'm not complaining about that. I'm glad they're doing well. My point is that I'm still at the bottom of the pit and I can't seem to find my way out. I'm so angry all the time now. I feel hurt and angry because I can't have my way. It's childish, but it's the truth. I'm not dealing with this well, so maybe I'm lashing out at other people. I seem to talk to a lot of jerks, but I know that I'm the real jerk here too.
My interests in the zodiac vary from season to season it seems. I can't say I don't put any stock into it. I have found it to be quite a helpful study. At the same time, I really don't put a lot of weight behind it either. Either way, one of my co-workers asked a manager what his zodiac sign was. He first said he was a wombat, which was funny, but finallly said he was a Tiger in the Chinese zodiac. Apparently he identifies well with that one. He also said that he's a Virgo too.
I have had the worst luck with Virgos. They tend to nitpick and most of the ones I've met have been rather selfish. I'm not saying all Virgos are like that, but that's what I've noticed with the ones I've met. I was curious, so I decided to do a little online research on Virgos and Tigers.
I used chinesezodiac.com to look up information on the Tiger sign. They sound like really awesome people. When it comes to their personality, they're "Born to lead, Tigers can be stubborn if they realize they’re not in charge. They have a slight tendency to be selfish but overall, Tigers are extremely generous. They’re very intelligent and they’re always on alert. Tigers are very charming and are well-liked by others. They are not motivated by money or power". When it comes to their career, "Tigers have a continual need to be challenged which may explain why they jump from job to job. This isn’t necessarily a problem because they’re smart and able to quickly master new subjects. The best jobs for Tigers are those that will lead them towards positions of leadership". I thought the Tiger relationship section was particularly excellent. It says: "Creative in their passion, Tigers will never bore their partners. They’re expressive, polite and trustworthy, but watch out. Tigers tend to dominate their relationships. This tendency is instinctive and when monitored closely, such behavior can be kept under control. Partners need to be equally active to keep up with the Tiger’s sense of adventure". This guy is the most attractive person I've ever met, no lie. Of course he has a cool Chinese zodiac sign. And just to add a head shake and explanation to why I like it so much, I read this in the compatability section: "Tigers are compatible with a Dog and a Horse and are incompatible with a Goat and an Ox". Guess who's a Horse?
Considering his age, I found out that he's a Fire Tiger. That means he's "Expressive, vibrant and a bit eccentric, Fire Tigers are always looking at the positive side of every situation. Because they’re able to generate excitement in others, they’re considered excellent leaders. When Fire Tigers speak, others listen – and do what they’re told!" (according to the Chinese Zodiac). I'm envious. He has a really cool sign and he's already a great manager. As far as I know (and I really don't know much) this even seems to fit him. No wonder he mentioned this one first. Being a Tiger sign is way cool.
I'm just a Horse. I've never known what to feel about my sign. I only ever end up agreeing with half of it. When you read about my sign on chinesezodiac.com, the only section I totally agree with is the Relationship section. It says that "Horses, being spontaneous, have a tendency to fall fast and hard for others. They tend to give themselves fully in each new relationship a quality that ends up chipping away at their inner being. Fortunately, this exhausting trait mellows with age and relationships are stronger and more stable later in life". When it comes the personality section, I only sort of agree with the second half, which says: "Horses are extremely intelligent so they’re able to grasp new subjects with ease. They’re also capable of multi-tasking however they don’t always finish what they start because they’re forever chasing the next opportunity. Horses are honest, friendly and open-minded. They’re perhaps a bit too centered on themselves and have been known to throw tantrums when situations don’t go their way". It also says that "the Horse symbolizes such character traits as strength, energy, and an outgoing nature. Extremely animated, Horses thrive when they’re the center of attention. Always in search of a good time, Horses keep the crowds happy with their humor and their wit". I'm not outgoing, at all. I'm not really physically strong and I don't do a lot of physical activity, so you can make some assumptions about my energy level. Also, I hate crowds. They make me feel caged in and panicky. ... Oh, and I'm not funny. Crowds are unamused by me. I was fine with the career section, except the last part. "Horses enjoy positions in which they can interact with others. They aren’t fond of taking orders and they’ll run from jobs they consider routine. They’re able to grasp new subjects with ease making them capable of handling most any job. They’re effective communicators and they enjoy power". I do not enjoy being in a position of power at work, or much anywhere else really.
I completely disagreed with being a Metal Horse. I like commitment. I think it's beautiful. I want to commit to someone. I don't feel like it would trap me. It would be wonderful to grow with a relationship like that. Granted, I won't commit to just anyone, but I do like commitment. The site says "Free-spirited in every sense of the word, commitment is the easiest way to scare Metal Horses away. They prefer jumping from one relationship or job to the next. Because of this, Metal Horses make better friends than partners". I try not to job hop and I like being committed where it counts. Granted, I've given up on dating because no one wants me,... but that doesn't mean I wouldn't commit to the right guy. My sign just doesn't speak to me well in whole.
Zodiac-signs-astrology.com says that Virgos are analytical, observant, helpful, reliable, and precise, as well as skeptical, fussy, inflexible, cold, and interfering. "Virgo is a very independent zodiac sign. They are fully able to put their intelligence to use and get things done for themselves. It is possible however that their narrow mindedness causes their creativity to suffer and they may lead regular routine lives. They may dwell too much on the past and over complicate things and this may limit their ability to move forward and confuse themselves. In conclusion, Virgos are able to be independent but the less evolved types will have difficult if someone is not there helping them to achieve more and not be so critical of themselves.... Before a Virgo plunges into anything, from a problem to a vacation idea, they need to analyze all the facts and know all the details before they plunge in and make a decision. This makes them seem indecisive and slow. Virgo's perception is their reality, more so then other astrology signs. What they believe is what will be, if they have a negative outlook on life, things will present themselves to be negative and they will be very moody and isolated/detached. If they are positive, the same events that occur will be held in a positive light and they will be a pleasant, well adjusted person. A Virgo mind is a very powerful mind and they must have the proper attitude for their life to be happy and successful. Virgo needs to get in touch with their feelings, this is why they usually seem cold or detached. They are very prone of living in denial. They will say the feel okay or everything is alright even when it's not. This is an easy way out, the one thing that Virgo does not like to analyze is their feelings so pretending everything is okay is a good defense mechanism for not having to take a closer look at their feelings. Virgo has an unpredictable and sometimes unstable temperament.... Virgo exists in the mind, everything is inside. To the world, Virgo presents a calm and collected exterior but on the inside, nervous uncontrolled intensity in the mind, trying to figure things out, how to improve everything, analyzing and thinking. Virgo can tire itself out without even moving! Virgo has a constant drive to improve and perfect, this can lead to extreme pickiness and finickiest. They are pure, their motives are honest never malicious and they want to accomplish something".
Aquarius in a Nutshell works well for me: "Aquarius is the sign of visionaries, unconventionality and intellectual independence. Aquarius are the people who deviate from the crowd and go their own way. They are always after intellectual stimulation, constantly discovering something new, forming new opinions and stubbornly traveling their way regardless of what other people think. Aquarius are filled with paradoxes, they are interested in the opposite ends of the spectrum, they like to be alone yet are social butterflies, they like to experience both sides and see both opinions as they formulate new ideas with their forward thinking, active mind. Aquarius have a 'live and let live' policy where everyone is free to be themselves, an Aquarius never judges others because as human beings, we are all equal and entitled to our own opinions. They are verbally skilled and very witty, they observe people and learn how to interact with others through observation. They can be masters of manipulation justifying anything they do or think. As a result, they can deal with any type of personality and adapt to any situation. They welcome change because boredom is their enemy. Anything new is an opportunity to Aquarius. Aquarius can act as an expert on any topic, they are very good at inflating their own importance, they feel it is deserved because their eccentricity makes them unique. Conventional people beware, Aquarius likes to shock and deviate from the norm, this is how they live. Aquarius is known to pick at anyone they find weak or dull-minded. It is simply an easy target for verbal exercise for them, no harm is meant but it might be taken from the other person. Deep inside, Aquarius would never intentionally hurt anyone, they have respect for every human, even thought this might not seem apparent to the more emotional types."
I know what it's like being an Aquarius Horse. I actually fit pretty well in the Aquarius sun sign, other than it saying that I should be outgoing too. I'm not outgoing. Virgo Tiger seems conflicting at times, and supportive of each other in others. I wonder what that's like. I wonder what he feels is right in all of this. That would be the question, but I probably won't ever know. That's how things work right? That's how they go.
I found out this past week that my ex told my best friend that our relationship was all bs.
I'm feeling a lot of things about that. I feel rather betrayed. We talked about this sort of thing at the beginning. If he didn't want me around, I didn't want to be around. It's not that hard to break up with me. I would have been fine with an email, especially if he was just up front with me in it. I would have been hurt if he wrote, "Hey, this just isn't working for me. We're over", but at least it would have been honest. He could have said anything. If he wanted to hurt me, he could have just said he didn't like me anymore (or at all). I would have gotten the picture then, wouldn't I? Now I'm hurt because he betrayed my trust. I trusted him to end things, to get rid of my presence when he didn't want to go any further with it. He could very well have told me to get lost from the beginning. I spent months looking to the small things he did for affection. I spent years thinking about those small things so I wouldn't be too harsh on him in my break-up sadness. I could have healed from this a long time ago if he was just up front with me. If we hadn't talked about it, I wouldn't be so upset. We discussed it though, on more than one occasion. We agreed to this. We agreed that we would end things and separate if it wasn't for us at the time. We completely stayed in that Beginning Relationship Mode (the one where you're just seeing how it goes with that person. It could end at anytime, sort of thing without many strings to cut) for almost A YEAR. I'd be more sympathetic if we hadn't talked it over, a lot, before. He didn't even want me. We did he keep me around?
I was even the one that ended things. I didn't end things because I didn't want him around. I ended them because I felt lonely and trapped. I supposedly had a boyfriend (for almost a year), but I couldn't tell him I loved him. He was barely okay with me telling me I missed him. He would ditch me at a moment's notice for his best friend (which I was okay with most of the time. He needs guy time, but it hurt when we actually made legitimate plans). He wouldn't tell me what was going on with him in his life. We only saw each other once a week. We talked online, but he constantly put spiders up as his default picture, so I knew he was pushing me away in a nonverbal fashion. He knew very well about my phobia. I pretended it didn't bother me, but it often gave me nightmares. We were like friends with once in a great while benefits and I could feel that he didn't like me anymore, if he ever did at all. I could feel that he didn't care. I didn't call him out on it because I thought I would be considered a crazy girlfriend if I did. Instead, I ended it. I rationalized that he was just used to me being around so he didn't want to end it yet. Maybe he was waiting for something better to come along first. I don't know, but I ended it when he should have been honest with me and did it himself.
In that respect, it does feel affirming that I was right. I was right. He didn't care about me. That feeling I had was justified. I wasn't dreaming stuff up. I thought I was being delusional. I have a bad habit of assuming the worst when it comes to what people think or feel for me. My family only loves me because I'm family. I sometimes think my best friend only cares when it's convenient (which really isn't fair to her. I should know better by now). I think my co-workers and managers find me to be lackluster employee. I think guys find me to be a hag. I almost always think people are laughing at me or talking about me in a negative way. I'm very down on myself, and I'm a little paranoid about it. I do my best to just suck it up and deal with it. Who cares if all those people think, say or do those things? It doesn't change who I am. My point is that I thought that I could just be projecting my feelings of worthlessness onto Scott as well. My inability to believe that anyone would actually like me for me wasn't his problem. I didn't want to make it an issue. I ended it without talking to him about it. Months later, we did talk. We talked about why we broke up. He made me feel like these feelings (as always) were one-sided. My love was one-sided. I knew he didn't love me. I accepted that, but when we talked, he told me the break up was very out of the blue for him. He didn't understand what happened. He said that he thought that maybe we shouldn't have focused so much on the fact that we would eventually break up and that we should have spent more time together. Remembering that just makes the fact that he called all that bs hurt even more. I was right, and I feel affirmed by that. I wasn't completely crazy. I was betrayed though.
The people you love are the ones that are most likely to betray you anyway.
All of this makes me suspicious of some trouble we had early on in the relationship. His group of friend included a girl that had stolen my best friend's boyfriend. She also went after my best friend, because she wanted to get in her pants too, basically. Every time we hung out, this girl would flirt with Scott. She would constantly talk about how sweet he was and she called him her protector. They talked outside of the group. He told me about it. I stifled my jealousy and my rage towards her. Scott's attractive. People are going to flirt with him, and I understood that. I was very upset that she did it in front of me though. He liked the attention, I'm sure. He told me that he shut her down when it came to flirting though. I don't completely believe him anymore. I don't think they went very far. This girl was his best friend's girlfriend and he basically worshipped his best friend. I'm starting to think he may have cheated on me though. Our whole relationship was just bs to him, so why wouldn't he do that? If it wasn't with her, it could have (and probably was) with someone else.
I mentioned it to him in my last email, that I heard what he said. I laughed it off. It's ancient history now. That was three years ago. We've been apart a lot longer than we were ever together. It doesn't matter if he didn't like me or if he cheated anymore. I'm just hurt that he wasn't up front with me about it. We didn't have to be together. I wish I had spotted the signs more quickly. I would have broken up with him within a couple months if I had. I wouldn't have had such a hard time getting over him.
At least I don't have to deal with this anymore. I don't date. I don't need anyone for that. I'm lonely all the time, but a significant other wouldn't fix that. I learned that with him. I'd say that I have to work on myself before I can be with someone else, but I think that's just stupid. You should be able to grow as a person with your mate. You shouldn't have to be in mint condition just to be with someone and find happiness in their company. I'm just learning how to accept that I'm not wanted for such company. It's okay that I'm not. There's always someone out there, it's okay that it's me. Finding this out helps with that. The one guy I loved, couldn't care less about me. How's that for a sign? The one guy I've ever felt "sparks" with, that I felt this intense feeling of uplifting yes in my psyche, he just wanted to say that he had a girlfriend. Good for him. He had someone, and I'm sure he will again. I hope it goes well for him. I'm learning from this too. I'm not meant for people. I'm a broken person without some "other half". I'll repair myself, as I've been trying to do for years. I don't need anyone for that. I never have needed anyone to fix me. I never wanted that. What I wanted was someone to share some life and beautiful moments with. It's okay to be alone though. I'm okay to be alone.
I just wish I could have learned this three years ago instead of now, ulvenNixie
I think about it sometimes though. I think about how it might be a better alternative than the hopeless existance I live in. I live in my mom and stepdad's place. My mom doesn't know how to knock, apparently. I have no space to myself. I have no freedom. My family loves me, because they're family. I don't think any of them actually like me. What's there to like? I'm rude. I'm sullen. I don't like to be touched. I hate all their stupid bad habits. They make me so mad because I can't escape them for a second. I push my best friend away. I'm going to move and she has a better life, especially when I'm not in it. I feel like everyone is better off without me. I don't do anything. I'm not good at anything. I have nothing to offer, nothing to give, and nothing to share. I'm nothing. That's how I feel. I feel like I'm nothing. I'm taking up space and I'm worthless. Uriel tells me that it's too soon to go to that side. I'll wait for it to happen. I'll continue to be worthless and I flounder around trying to make things better, but really, it's just a wait for Death. I sometimes think about wandering off and ending it all, but I know I won't do it.
Suicide is the worst.
I won't do it.
Sometimes, the easiest option seems to be the most tempting one. How do I relieve everyone of the pain in their side that is me? Temptation hasn't caused me to do more than cry, whine, and wish I had a weaker conviction so that I could just do it. I never will. I'll never do it, but it doesn't stop me from thinking about it.
I don't think about it nearly as much now that I've gotten away from Academy. Now it's just when I'm really down. Right now, I am really down. I'm really down because I realize just how lonely I really am. I realize that that too has no hope. My loneliness will never have relief. I'll always think of myself as a sl*t. I'll always be without love, care, or affection that every moronic little girl dreams about when she's young. Even if I escape to the places that make me happy, I will never have anyone to share it with. Do you see my fate? If I am as awful as I say, I'm only doing the world a favor by not being apart of it.
Suicide is wrong. It goes against the deepest grain of my moral code. I don't believe it is ever the best way out or the decision one should make.
I hate me so much sometimes.
Love is nothing. I am nothing. But here I am, trashing love because I know I'll never have it. I know that I'm not worth it.
These are my lows. This is what I put myself through, even when I don't whine on Xanga. I'm a terrible person. I'm not meant for anything. I'm not meant to be anything. I'm just here. I'm just taking up space. This is just me. It's not pretty is it? Befitting, because I'm not pretty either. Funny how that works.
Just a few thoughts.... I'll post again soon, ulvenNixie