Wednesday, 15 August 2012
I've been having a rough time lately, but its been at night. I've been having bad dreams. I don't remember most of the details by the time I'm fully awake, otherwise I would record them. Some of them wouldn't even be considered a bad dream, except for how they've effected me. It started up in Iowa. I dreamed that I had "relations" with an ex boyfriend, Scott. I miss him a lot sometimes. I mean, it gets to the point where I have to remind myself why I had to step away. That always works, but the frequency of how often I have to remind myself is kind of sad. I don't need a relationship like that in my life again. I felt so alone even though I really loved him. I think that's why I'm having a hard time. I really did love him. I do love him, for the person that he is and all that he is, but at the same time, I need more support. If I'm going to be with someone, they should be with me too. They should also care about me in return. I've always doubted that he ever cared. He was good at communicating that he wanted something casual, and not complex with our relationship, but he wasn't good at telling me what he was feeling. Anyway, when I dreamed about meeting back up with him and spending time in his arms again, it was nice while I was in the dream. It was bittersweet, because he still didn't want anything serious in the dream either. By serious, I mean he still didn't want to go so far as to be commited (even loosely) to me or what we could share. When I woke up, I felt sick to my stomach and I just wanted to weep. I don't think I'll ever see him again, to be honest, but I just can't get him out of my mind. For the record, I didn't feel sick to my stomach out of disgust. I felt sick because of the awareness that it could never happen, and if it did, it would be a bad idea.
That was just one bad dream. I know I've had more than the next two I'm about to mention. I honestly can't remember them though. I almost can't remember these next two. The night before last I dreamed that I was being raped. I literally dreamed that I was being chased by a guy (I knew him in the dream but I can't recall who it was now), and that he raped me. It was terrible. It was a terrible, terrible dream. I've had a very detailed rape dream before. That's how I got my main antagonists for the series I'm writing. They came from a rape dream. This is the second time that this has happened, but with different men. I know it wasn't these story characters. I can barely recall last night's dream. All I know is that I woke up relieved that I was actually awake. I don't know what's going on with all this.
It's been strange, so I thought I'd share it. I haven't been able to meditate lately. I've been really busy with work, school work, writing, and taking care of the house. I have done a couple short bell readings though. They were done in the down time between those things, so I wasn't able to get to my computer. Most of it had to do with kids anyway. All of it along the lines of what my future children might be like, what Lindsay's might be like, if Tyler and Samuel will have kids in the future. That sort of thing. I wonder about if I'd be a good mommy and if I'll be the right kind of person for my children to look up to. I wonder if I'll marry someone,... or if my best friend will (I'm fairly certain she will though). It's just all that. I don't know if that's what's causing these dreams to crop up. I guess I'll have to do a medtiation and see. I have to do my paper now though.
Love to you and yours
'Til Next We Meet,