Wednesday, 22 August 2012

• Tough Love Meditation

  Man, my Higher Spirit is just dishin' out the tough love lately! I finally did a meditation and she cracked into me yet again. I think I deserved it though, the way I've been acting.

  Let me start from the beginning.

  My computer froze, so I decided to turn it off and meditate while it cooled down. I prayed to the Universe for protection and also to help me be less vain. I've figured out how vain I really am recently and I've been appalled with myself ever since. Seriously, I need to cut that out.

  I cleared my chakras. It was interesting this time. I spent time pushing out bad/negative energy, but I didn't throw it all into the sun (which is my way of disposing of it). Some of it just floated off, changed, and left me. I had two that kind of freaked me out. One of them was when I was clearing my chakra below my belly button. I dissolved a blockage there and I saw a gold coin pop out of the chakra (in my mind's eye). Before I could really investigate what it was, a gigantic raven swooped down and took it. It was gone in a matter of seconds and I was left thinking "What in the world just happened there?". My Higher Spirit told me the bird saved me from that negativity, but man it was weird. Also, when I was clearing out my crown chakra, I saw a little round person in the black goop go with it. Gross. I wonder if I needed that person, if I got rid of something I needed. I doubt it because I was clearing out the bad after all. It freaked me out though.

  After all that, I dropped down into meditation. I looked around and was immediately aware of myself, go figure right? I was wearing this poofy Lolita dress, it was cute, but so not me. My hair was black and I was wearing raccoon make-up with white base. Like I said, I liked it, but it wasn't me. I changed the dress to be less poofy, and I went to the cast-off room. Immediately, my Higher Spirit gave me a friendly hello and acknowledged that I looked happier. I agreed, because I felt happier, and I hugged Angora.

  When I rose, my Higher Spirit gave me a big hug, then made a face at my dress. She helped me fix it. The fabric turned into multiple layers of place and white lace (mostly black). The sleeves became longer and the length of the dress was shorter. Instead of being down to my calves, it was more like a mullet dress. The back brushed the backs of my knees, and the front was just a little bit higher. The sleeves belled out. It had an empire waist and the skirt dropped down loosely. She turned my hair color back to my normal hair color, decreased the make-up level, and added a short lace veil for fun. When she was done, I felt great. I felt like me! She affirmed it and told me that I finally look like me again. I got to keep my shoes. They're black pumps with little red splatters all over them.

  I did a spin, kind of felt like the dress was something out of the 1970s, only gothed out, and felt pretty happy with it. That's when she laid into me. She decided to get it all out there and not waste any time I guess. Her first order of business was pretty blunt. In a social setting, it would've just been inappropriate all the way around. She told me to stop being lazy and lose some weight. She's right of course, I have been kind of lazy and I do need to loose some weight. I feel like I'm trapped in the body of a manatee. If I would just exercise some and eat foods that I know are better for me, I wouldn't have as many issues with my waist size.
  As a disclaimer here, I want to say that I don't think that everyone who is chunky, overweight, or whatever, is lazy. This is purely meant for me and the fact that I have been lazy. I am capable of losing this weight and I just haven't taken the steps to do it. I just let myself be cruel to myself and I'm not even trying to fix that. I have to work on that. I'm not trying to get down to a size 0 or anything. I would be happy to be in a 10 again. In case you're wondering, I'm a size 16 right now, though I do have a pair of 14s that I fit into. Not the point though. The point is that being less lazy will help me feel better about myself. I can't do anything about the rest of what I consider ugly about myself, namely my acne, but I can exercise and eat good food.

  After that, she talked to me about kids. She, once again, told me that they're coming. She said that's all I need to know really know. They're coming and I need to prepare. I need to work on issues that I have already pinpointed because it will be sooner than I think. She also said that some people might think that I did it on purpose, but to just ignore them. They don't matter in this situation. What matters is losing some weight, working on my books, and finding a better job.

  She talked to me about my friend. She said that I took the news so hard because I'm lonely. I might be vain but I took the news that hard because I have no one in my life and I'm jealous. It's true. I am jealous. I hate to admit it, but I always feel so alone and he finally has someone. I'm so happy that he has someone because he's an awesome person. I just hate that I'm alone. She said that I'm going to be lonely for a while. I don't take risks and put myself out there to meet people, so I'll be lonely. That's just how it is. There's not much I can do about it right now.

  On that note, I expressed that I was upset with myself for kind of fantasizing about a co-worker. It hasn't been anything too creepy. Let's call this co-worker Aspen. I have a little crush on him. I mean, it's a menial crush and I know he wouldn't go for someone like me. I've seen his type and I'm not it. I'm actually fine with that. I occasionally fantasize about him seeing what I'm really like though. This guy I have this menial crush on is a jerk and I feel like I'm aiming too high just by having a crush on him. My Higher Spirit told me that it's fine though. It's fine that I have a crush on him. It's fine that I fantasize about him seeing me for me, and not just the dork he sees at work. Maybe because I realistically know that Aspen and I would never truly like each other anyway? I don't know.

  I talked to her more in depth about what's going on with my heart. When I let people in my heart, they're stuck there. I will always love them, no matter what. It's really not that easy to get in there in the first place. She told me its all right to miss these people that are in my heart. They're there for a reason and they aren't going to just go away because they aren't in my life anymore. It's okay to miss them, and there's always going to be room for more. I have plenty of love to go around and it's all right to be lonely. Things don't work out with people, despite my love for them. Scott and Lentay were the central themes to this, I suspect. I got to talk to Lentay recently and he kept reminding me that I haven't gotten anything done yet. He wasn't doing it to be a jerk, he was just surprised because we haven't talked to each other in a long, long while. I still miss him even though the effects of how he reacted stung, a lot. I always miss Scott. I always miss Lentay. That isn't going to change.
  For the record, love isn't always romantic. Just saying.

  My Higher Spirit told me that I need to get cleaned up, throw on the work-out shorts I bought over the weekend, and work on my manuscript. Do something that is good for me and something that is productive. In other words, she wants me to not wallow around anymore today.

  She sent me on a run with Angora. We ran through the forest in which I met her. It was a run to wear off some hurt and excess energy. When we came to a clearing and I greeted her pack, I ended up back in the cast-off room. My Higher Spirit told me I had one last thing to do. I had to sever a connection. I couldn't think of what that connection could possibly be, so I went up to the place where all my connections are. Up there, there was a taunt cord, quivering. I knelt in front of it and touched it. I saw people from work, people from school, ordinary people with ordinary problems and very closed-minded, conservative views. I opened my mind and next to it there was a different cord. I touched it, and instead of being pummeled with images of other people, there was a white light, and some random images that passed by. It was a connection to open minded people. I was told that this is where I would find acceptance. I randomly saw a guy in a plaid shirt, glasses, with floppy brown hair. I laughed and asked if that was a hipster. She told me yes, and I immediately had the feeling that he was different, like me. It was odd, because I don't know anyone that looks like him, plus the hipster thing kind of throws me off, a lot. But I decided that to each their own and drew away. I untied the cord the closed-minded people and let it go. It's gone now. I don't have to try to be like them because they'll never accept me for who I am. I'm going to attempt to focus more on the people that are worth my time instead.

  Well, I need a shower. I'm going to throw on the shorts that I bought and do some exercises. When I eat, I'll eat something healthy. I should eat now, so that I don't eat to late,.... but anyway,... after that, it's manuscript time.

  Love ya People!

  'Til Next Time We Meet,
  ulvenNixie

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